Go Jump on the Couch
by Laura Probert
Inside my urgent heart
lives a hopeless
troll
sneaky bugger.
She makes her nest
from debris
I leave
of dreams stabbed by doubt.
I feel her jumping
on the couch
playing with
my emotions.
They dance together
raid my fridge
and use up
all my toilet paper.
When she sleeps
I breathe
love and release
believe.
I look for ways
to knock her out
some wine
running a marathon.
It helps a while
tires her out
then she’s up again
shouting at 5:00 a.m.
I begin to wonder
if I’m meant to shut her up
or grab her hand
and jump on the couch.
Accept her wild ways
thoughts, ideas
but please
she trashes my house.
This house I’ve cleaned
and cleaned
and cleaned
it gleams with perfection.
That little troll
finds a way
to make me let her stay
one more month.
She skips on rent
hides a dog under her bed
parks illegally
and pokes nails in the walls.
I should evict her
now
tell her somehow
she’s not welcome.
Problem is
she’s the reason I live
guardian, protector
the bouncer at the door.
I need her to work
even when it hurts
keep the nuts
out of the party in my soul.
So today I grab her hand
find a way
to stand on the couch
play with my doubt and thrive.
I’ll live with her
for now
watch for lessons
try not to get burned.
Remember the security deposit
I collected
when I connected
with my higher power.
I can let go
let her be
live awake
set myself free.
I know!
we’ll go together
and get a tattoo
of matching hearts.
A forever mark
to remind me
I need the part
of me that’s dark.
My light creates
her shadow
a permanent
law of nature.
If I hate her
it only eats me alive
so why not arrive
accept, try jumping.
I can always buy another couch.
Out of all the voices I hear and label as my inner critic, it seems there’s one overwhelming winner in the battle in my head; doubt. I’m so good at feeling this feeling it takes me a while to realize I need to do anything about it – it feels normal. Today I’m wondering why I’m not just as great at feeling things on the other end of the spectrum, like clarity, confidence and illegal amounts of joy.
Why does life have to be a constant battle this way? Sure, I’m more aware than I was five or ten years ago, and yes, I know it’s a journey and not a destination. But you’d think there would be a point when you get to say, fuck doubt. Who cares if it works out or not, I’m having fun in the mean time.
I’ve lived by some of Dr. Wayne Dyer’s words for a while now. In his book, Excuses Be Gone, he asks if we aren’t 100% sure a situation will end up in a positive outcome, but we also aren’t 100% sure it will end up negative, then why not think and focus on the positive outcome while we are waiting for the result?
Yeah, why not? Because we’re conditioned to suffer? Because we’ve been taught by other practical, realistic and intelligent people in our lives that it’s better not to get our hopes up? That we’ll set ourselves up for disappointment in the end if we expect the best out of life?
I call bullshit on this one.
And we have to stop teaching that to our kids. Great things happen. Fun, exciting, miraculous things. I want them to expect it, not spend their moments worrying, doubting and expecting failure and misery. Then, if it doesn’t work out in the end liked they’d hoped, I want them to understand it doesn’t mean it won’t in the future. I need them to understand the things that don’t work out are just redirects. That life is everything that happens to us, and we can choose to label these things as “good” or “bad” but ultimately, they are all just things that happen.
I struggle with this though.
I look at all my redirects and I doubt my purpose. Like full-on doubt what the Hell I’m doing. Decide it’s all a waste of time and effort and wonder how it would be to just exist without a purpose for a bit. Take care of my family and let that be my purpose. Feed my dogs, pick up their poop, clean the house, make my kids lunches. What’s wrong with that, by itself, without all the other purposey stuff I think I need to do?
Then this thing happens in the middle of my chest and in the pit of my stomach and I get pulled back into my soul with a centrifugal force – and I start writing my heart out again, because one day I heard a voice that said, “This is what you’re supposed to do.” And I believed that voice when I heard it try to convince me that day.
I’m supposed to write about my doubt. I’m supposed to write poems about love, death, sex, desire, awareness and rapture. I’m supposed to allow that divine, creative force to move through me and I’m not supposed to stand in it’s way with my armor on and guns drawn. Step aside – that’s what I’m supposed to do.
I finished watching “The 5 People You Meet in Heaven” this morning on my iPad while I walked on the treadmill, in an attempt to drown out the doubt feeling I’ve had since yesterday. Then Mr. Eddie Maintenance got to me and his Aha’s about life became a crowbar on my heart and I found myself crying, watching and walking on my treadmill. I’m not sure if the doubt stayed around when sadness showed up. Maybe they were holding hands and sitting on my heart together.
The message was that in all the small things Eddie did, all throughout his life, he was living his purpose, a life that mattered to many people, whether he knew it at the time, or not. He spent his life feeling trapped, like he had been meant for other things, other adventures. What heaven showed him was he was right where he needed to be all the while.
And here I am, right where I need to be, in that place in my soul that calls on a daily basis with a voice that says, “Just write.” Even when I don’t think it’s working out. Even when I feel trapped in doubt. All I need to do is look around me, to all the little things I do every day; let those things bring the clarity, confidence and illegal amounts of joy.
What’s the voice in your head that takes over your dreams? Share it with me in the comments.
Laura Probert, MPT is a holistic physical therapist, published author, poet and awareness coach. She’s serious about integrating mind body and soul as a journey to passion and power, and she’ll show you how. She works to help you wake up, be brave, heal your shit and do what your love so you can share your message with the world. She’s a contributor for The Huffington Post, Wild Sister Magazine, MindBodyGreen, The Wellness Universe,Tiny Buddha, Black Belt Magazine and Elephant Journal, among others. When she’s not writing you’ll find her with her kids, dogs or a horse or taste-testing dark chocolate. Find her Writing for Warrior Healing workshops and programs at www.LauraProbert.com and on Facebook at www.Facebook.com/KickAssWarriorGoddess
