I picked sports as my drug. It hit me this morning in the shower as I ruminated over Master Holloway’s “take a Valium and do it again” comment. From a really early age I picked sports as my drug to either numb me up or jazz me up when I was down. The focus of sports kept me alive, it is part of my identity and my spirit soars there. So it is not an illegal drug but it is just as powerful, just as addictive. Is it a healthy drug? This is the dilemma in my mind today as I write.
When I am high on sports (my drug) it can help me perform when I need that crazy extra power and drive ie; board breaking or sparring. When I am high on my drug and then I have to slow down and focus I find it difficult. I am tired, off balance not breathing, no help when you are performing Won-yo for the 86th time. Can I make my drug work for me in all areas? Can I learn to focus my high so that all the positive effects come together for a more peak performance? Probably. Is being high on this drug bad?
We are our own worst judge. The part that is unhealthy is using it as an escape, to make me feel different because I don’t want to feel the way I feel. Rather than just facing the fear or the feeling and moving through it, I like taking my drug because it makes me feel powerful and joyous again. There have been weeks when I just wait until the next day that I can get my fix, craving it, and not wanting to be where I am. But where I am is all I have, so this is the bad part. Not recognizing that in the moment and being okay with being present, even if I am sad, bored, angry, empty or unhappy. Being addicted to elation is what I have been accused of. Isn’t everyone? Aren’t we all looking for the next happiness moment?
What if every moment was perfect how it is, even the crappy ones? Would the idea be to just be aware of it and smile anyway? I will keep this drug for now, and break a few good boards in the mean time.
