“I feel guilty not asking her,” my friend says. “She’s the one who had the idea.” “Do you want her to come?” I ask. “No,” “I don’t know,” she says, “But I feel like I should ask.”
My friend is talking about a family member of hers, and the guilt and obligation she feels to act a certain way because it’s her family. I feel her pain having just spent years on a journey to free myself from this kind of thinking. It’s toxic. It eats me alive, slowly corroding my insides and creating a life filled with resentment.
When I live my life by responding to and acting from guilt and obligation, it creates anger and resentment. Feeling that way on a regular basis is what’s toxic. Living that way effects everyone around me as well. It makes me grumpy.
Here are the reasons I am trying to transform guilt and obligation:
* If the person I’m trying to make happy finds out that I’m doing it because I’m trying to make them happy, that will make them sad. I have to be true to myself. I might risk disappointing them, but in the end I’ll leave no unresolved residue.
*When I act out of guilt and obligation the voice of fear in my head takes over, creating thoughts like, “I don’t really want to do this but I have to,” “She is my (mom/sister/brother/uncle) so I am supposed to do this,” “This is really not something that will be good for me, but I am going to do it anyway because I should.” I end up angry and resentful for following this voice. Sometimes I even end up sick.
*Every emotion has a physiological manifestation, so if I spend a lot of time acting out of guilt or obligation, those feelings create destructive physical symptoms. I have felt it in the form of stomach trouble, chest pain and a depleted immune system in the past. Different people manifest different symptoms.
*I’ve lived a lot of my life based on what I think I’m supposed to do, rather than what I truly want to do. The result of this has been not really knowing who I am and feeling generally unworthy – more destructive emotions.
*The toxic feelings of guilt, anger and resentment build up, creating difficulty in my relationships in all areas of my life. When I’m acting out of guilt and obligation in one relationship, chances are it is effecting other situations, like work, home or friendships. The feelings cause an anger and disappointment toward myself, making it tough to love myself, which makes it tough to be a good mom, wife, and healer.
These are just some of the ways that acting out of guilt and obligation have created toxicity in my life. Here are some of the ways I’ve used courage and awareness to transform how I react and respond when guilt and obligation threaten to take over:
1. I recognize that I’m acting out of guilt or obligation. I’ve developed a fierce amount of awareness to be able to recognize this in the moment and stop myself. Through awareness, in each situation or moment, I’m presented with a choice to act a certain way. Without awareness I don’t get a choice, and my interactions are all reactions to the situation.
2. Once noticed, I practice feeling. In the moment of feeling guilty or obliged, I sit and feel what that brings up inside me. I have to give myself permission to feel the feeling first, without responding or reacting. I have to give myself a chance to really know how the situation makes me feel and sort out what’s underneath it.
3. I remind myself that feeling into the root of the dilemma is the path to healing. Feeling the deeper layers, the emotions that sit below guilt and obligation, can be very difficult. Sometimes it requires me to face fear, shame, humiliation and severe hurt. When I feel to the root of my dilemma there is an opportunity for healing. I have required the assistance of a therapist over the years to help me go to the places I can’t go alone. A new perspective on an old behavior can change everything.
4. I choose new ways to believe and act. After understanding what lies at the roots of my guilt, I come at the situation from a different place of awareness, which means I can practice new beliefs and actions. I try to choose better, healthier ways to believe, think and act when the old feelings come up.
5. I prioritize myself. Inside of the new choices I’m free to be myself, and do things that nourish my soul. I can stop choosing to ignore my needs and desires. I can do what I want to do, without feeling selfish or guilty. When I fill up in this way, I create an overflow of energy to give from and can be a true healer.
6. I use my feeling of fear as a compass. Even when I do all these things the best I can, and follow my heart, and regularly nourish my soul, fear still creeps in. Life is full of opportunities to heal and it’ll present consistent opportunities to fully heal old wounds. When fear and shame wrap themselves around my heart I remind myself of the opportunity. I usually find an affirmation or mission statement I have created and read it to myself. Sometimes I call a friend and get some feedback and validation. Sometimes I will meditate or use my journal to write about my feelings. The most important thing for me is to not get stuck or paralyzed; to take action despite my fear.
Practicing the awareness, restraint, and self-reflection it takes to live life the way I’ve outlined is challenging on the best days, and down right sucks on others. But I’ve realized that the cost of making decisions based on guilt and obligation is too high. I can’t tolerate or afford to live in a way that hurts or creates illness, even to avoid disappointing others.
I navigate my relationships and scenarios with care, awareness and love, and pray for peace and harmony, even though I know how I stand up for myself creates waves. I’m unwilling to suffer the self-inflicted pain of resentment, guilt and anger anymore. I’m interested in creating the space to live in what feels true and right for me. I have a feeling it will transform my life; and maybe even help me heal the world. Let me know in the comments below about a situation where you were able to transform guilt into something better.
Laura Probert, MPT is the owner of Bodyworks Physical Therapy and Soul Camp, LLC. More about her writing, healing and kicking passions, as well as upcoming workshops and events here: www.bodyworksptonline.com
