I love getting alone time. There’s something nourishing to me about the silence combined with the freedom. I get a different kind of replenishing energy from being alone than I do connecting with people. For me, being alone is necessary – I go a little crazy when my life becomes about doing and being for everyone else.
It might be easy to see this coming from a busy, working mom – that desperate need to have self-care time, time to just be yourself without the responsibilities or expectations of doing for others. I enjoy being alone, feeling who I am, and letting that exploration lead me to inspiration and creation. I see the value in loving being alone with myself.
Connecting with others has been something that went from difficult (as in it was difficult to feel good about myself, especially when it came to being myself with other people) to easy. It’s easy now because I’m more connected to who I am – and that came by being alone with myself to sort out the feelings. I never feel lonely when I’m alone. It’s always an interesting, challenging adventure to discover who I really am and how to express her to the world.
We all get lonely. And I wonder how that feeling can be used to help us. Brene Brown says that connection with others is why we are on the planet. I think that for some people, connecting with others before you connect with and love the true essence of who you are, can be excruciating.
I have this idea about how it’s worked for me: be alone, love yourself, feel good about expressing you to the world, and connect with others who encourage you to be you. There’s a yin yang to this; one side is being okay with (really loving) who you are in the alone times, and the other is using connection with others as a canvas for your unique expression. We need both!
I’ve talked with people who seem to be struggling with being alone. They tread the waters of not totally knowing who they are, or if they like themselves. They get really lonely without someone around to tell them and show them who they are supposed to be. They have a low tolerance for being alone with themselves – it’s anxiety provoking.
I would ask these people to go ahead and take the deep dive into themselves. Begin to recognize what you love and what your special gifts are. Take some time alone, without anyone else around to judge, so that you can feel what these feelings are, and come to conclusions based on your own filters and intuition. The most powerful source for healing and knowledge is inside of us – we just have to learn to trust it.
Because many have relied on others to define them, and relied on what they do for a living to identify them, they may get to a place in their lives when these things are stripped away and find themselves standing there naked, wondering who they are. This is a huge opportunity to feel and find the power inside of you. To be able to define yourself and your life by what YOU want. And if you don’t know yet, that’s okay, that’s what this journey is all about.
How do you feel when you are alone? I have talked to people who have lived alone for most of their lives, and I have talked to people who are newly, involuntarily alone. I’ve met those who fill up by being with others, and those who fill up when they can be alone and quiet. I think it’s a matter of what feels good and what you need in the moment. It’s a balancing act and everyone knows what they need to feel balanced – it’s a matter of actually doing what you need to do.
The feeling of loneliness can be created in our own minds, whether or not we are surrounded by people or physically alone. This is one of the most important things to remember – that the feeling inside of you, like fear, like sadness, like joy, is just a sensation. The problem is that we attach a meaning to it.
There have been many times, in a house full of people, that I’ve felt very alone. The thoughts in my head about myself and my life put me in that space, no matter if my loved ones are physically present or not. That’s time to snap out of it and speak up. And if I don’t feel safe talking about it, I write. My journal is a place I feel I can move that sensation of loneliness out and onto the page.
When that doesn’t work, I’ve realized that there’s one thing and one thing only that will make me feel a shit ton better, and that is to call someone.
“All I need most of the time is to hear someone say, ‘Me too.’” Jen Lee.
I’ve created a tribe of people that will take that call and say the words I need to hear. The tightness of loneliness in my chest dissolves almost instantaneously when the voice (that connection I make) understands and takes my hand with “Me too.”
The older I get the bolder I become in reaching out. I’ve moved from “I have to do it all on my own or else I am not worthy” to “why do it alone?” Really, why do we not reach out and ask for help? Why are we so afraid of being vulnerable?
“Our fear is about losing life. And by being caught up in fear, we lose life.” Tara Brach
It is by connecting with others that we have our gifts mirrored back to us. It is by recognizing our own worth that we simultaneously have the courage to be vulnerable, ask for help and connect with people who help us shine brighter. Do you see the thing here, about loneliness?
So I ask you, how do you feel about being alone? And, are you lonely? What voices in your head are you listening to? What are you doing to connect? Or have you locked yourself in that box in your head? Let me know in the comments about what you do with your alone time.
“I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love
Laura is a warrior healing alchemist, published author and expert for people who are fed up with pain and fear. Her game-changing blogs, and integrative classes redefine healing and show you how to create the radiant health and joy it takes to inspire you to share your gifts with the world. Her brave writing has been featured in tinybuddha.com, mindbodygreen.com, elephantjournal.com, and BlackBelt Magazine. Find her books, Living, Healing and Taekwondo, Warrior Love and Warrior Joy, a Journal to Inspire Your Fiercely Alive Whole Self, on amazon.com. When she’s not teaching others to overcome fear and pain and inspiring them with the truth and how’s of healing, you’ll find her petting her dogs or a horse, practicing her axe-kick, taste testing cheese or dark chocolate, or creating her next book. Connect with your inner warrior and start your healing journey at www.LauraProbert.com
