Welcome to the Free Yourself Blog Party where I’ve invited twelve of the amazing women from the Intuitive Writing for Healers Mastermind to share their stories.
If you missed the introductory blog, please find that HERE. It will explain what we’re up to over the next month or so!
Now I’d like to introduce our first blog author, Jennifer Whitacre, and her story to you!
Freedom From Within, by Jennifer Whitacre
“I am not who you think I am; I am not who I think I am; I am who I think you think I am.”
~Thomas Cooley (1824–1898)
I believe I have cPTSD, complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This is not a recognized diagnosis in the DSM V, and I am self-diagnosed. According to Wikipedia, cPTSD is “a psychological disorder that can develop in response to prolonged, repeated experience of interpersonal trauma in a context in which the individual has little or no chance of escape.” That sure describes much of my life. My abuse started while I was in the womb. We now know that the mother’s mental and emotional state while pregnant can potentially be harmful to the baby. My mother was mentally and emotionally unstable, and so is my father. The first 30 years of my life, I was ensconced in a miasma of gaslighting; violent verbal, mental, and emotional abuse; and physical abuse.
30 years of this had a negative impact on my psyche, to say the least. Thankfully, I got out from under the thumb of my toxic family and have spent the past 15 years striving to heal these wounds for myself. Along the way, I discovered, researched, and tried psychedelic therapy.
Thank you for coating these nasty things in honey,I thought as I swallowed. Magic mushrooms are gross to chew and swallow, and the honey ameliorates that process.
While I waited for them to start working their magic, I established my nest for the afternoon.
Water? Check.
Playlist queued? Check.
Blanket & pillows? Check.
Blindfold? Check.
Earbuds? Check.
I settled into my spot, lay down, and tried to get comfortable. My critical mind is alive and well before the psilocybin medicine starts to work. I’m admittedly a little nervous. I’ve used mushrooms a handful of times, and it has always been recreational use. Until now. This time, my experience is facilitated by a safe person, and the session is designed to be therapeutic, not recreational. To prepare I was instructed to download the ‘Psilocybin Playlist by John’s Hopkins University’ onto my Spotify app. This is what’s streaming through my earbuds.
My mind is still reeling. I can hear the abusive voice starting to kick in. What the fuck are you doing here? This could be dangerous. You’re stupid for thinking this was a good idea! These are the very voices I’m hoping to quell with this experience, yet I haven’t a clue how. It’s wait-and-see at this point.
About 45 minutes later I feel the medicine take effect, and I start to see images clearly in my mind’s eye. I opened my eyes behind the blindfold, and the images were gone. I closed them again, and the scenario reappeared, more clearly. Note to self — keep your eyes closed if you want this to work.
Most of the songs were classical music, and several songs in a row were heavy with bass and baritone, which I found annoying. The low vibrations reverberated in every cell in my body, and it was physically uncomfortable. The me that I had known my whole life started to break-down and crumble. It felt like the music was killing me, and I could see myself shedding my skin or emerging from a cocoon. I was nobody. I no longer existed as Jennifer, and this calmly frightened me.
Two hours in, and I needed a restroom break. My timing was perfect because it was time for a booster, which is simply another dose of psilocybin.
I settled back into my nest and went back to work. Mozart came on, and there’s something preternatural about his music. It’s a notch above anything else, and the vibrations caused my body to go into a state of self-healing and self-correction. I could see the medicine and the music combine to work within my cerebrospinal fluid. A few songs later, more Mozart. This time it worked on my bones, my hip joint, and my shoulder joint; all areas where I’ve had injuries or chronic issues.
I remember thinking, This is what Tesla meant when he said, “If you want to find the secrets of the universe, think in terms of energy, frequency, and vibration.”This medicine combined with the frequency and vibration of the music truly is a universal secret, and I experienced an overwhelming sense of gratitude for having discovered it.
The music continued working for a few more hours. Eventually, I returned to myself. I came full circle, only this time the me that I discovered was Authentic Me. It wasn’t the me that everyone else created; I shed her hours earlier. I was simply Me, a blank slate. I knew that it was time to create myself, to search and discover who Jennifer really is. This felt good. This felt free.
It’s the first time I’ve felt that level of freedom and wholeness. And, within a few hours that afternoon, the dark circles beneath my eyes had faded significantly, noticeably. The effects have lasted, and each time I make a decision in alignment with Authentic Me, I re-experience that feeling.
The psilocybin medicine and music combined taught me how to experience being me, Authentic Me. Before this, all I had ever known was how to be the me that I thought everyone else wanted. Having the courage to take this controversial step set me free, for the first time in my life!
Jennifer Whitacre Gardner, LMT, is an Expert Myofascial Release and CranioSacral Therapist, and an Empowerment Strategist. She is also a Certified Aromatherapist, a Certified Instructor for the Body Language Institute, a Certified Therapeutic Touch Practitioner, a student of Somatic Experiencing, a public speaker, a podcaster, and an intuitive facilitator of the healing process.
Over a decade ago, Jennifer embarked on a new journey to become a Licensed Massage Therapist following a wave of layoffs in the downturned economy. Little did she know the impact that step would have on her life. Her interest in learning how to help others sent her on a quest deep inside herself where she learned how to heal from the effects of complex trauma and developmental abuse. In fact, she learned several components that, she believes, are key elements in the healing journey. She now uses her knowledge and her unique skill set to help her clients heal from emotional wounds, and she educates on the importance of better understanding abuse and trauma.
