I boarded the plane for Sedona and made my way back to the twenty somethingth row. I was on my way to a John F. Barnes class called Quantum Leap. A class that was advertised as “not for sissies.” The flight was full, except for two rows with a middle seat open, and my row, which held just me. I kept tilting my head around the seat in front of me, checking for the person who was certain to take the window seat in my row. They never arrived. Deep breath. I looked around to see who might be eyeing my empty row and nobody seemed to care that much. I could not believe God was giving me this space today.
By the time I get myself on a plane to somewhere for a continuing education class, I am usually pretty desperate for a break from ordinary life responsibilities. I sit on those five hour flights grateful for five full hours of peace, to think, to read, to stare, to sleep. They are a precious gift, those hours, all for me, and this time they included my own private row of empty seats…how could I have deserved this too? This time was no different, in fact it was a bit more complicated than past trips. I was just past the fourth week of a unusually heavy depression. There were many different things stirring in my head that had me questioning life and my path in it. It also happened to be four days after my forty sixth birthday and I was giving myself this gift. But the people and activities that had been my regular inspiration were creating sadness, and doubt in me. I was especially ready to arrive in the magical land of Sedona where my healer colleagues were gathering. I felt ready, for something. At the time I did not know what but I could feel the energy behind me. I had learned in the past that the depressive episodes were precursors to some kind of shift. This time I knew it, believed it, and was just waiting to see.
There was a point during this flight that something stirred in me. Not boredom. I wasn’t sleepy as usually happens just after the drone of the engines fills my ears at take off. Then, in an odd but very clear moment, that only now in retrospect can I call divine, I reached down and pulled the journal and pen out of my purse and “The Quantum Leap” wrote itself, from start to finish, without stopping, without a breath. I read it over a couple times, closed the pages, and smiling, put the journal back in my purse, where it stayed for the rest of the flight.
The Quantum Leap 
The journey begins. The cab was early. The plane is on time. Everything was done, organized, arranged and confirmed. From Dulles to Dallas to Sedona, I am sitting by myself in a row of three seats. Yep. Little ‘ol me. Space. I am filled with excitement and anticipation, as I have been feeling the energy of this event building in the last few weeks. From test achievement to depression to sad lunch to joyful birthday weekend in an unforgettable snow…don’t think I don’t feel you Universe, that push that nudges me from behind, crowding my space, waiting for me to make a move. But instead I sit still in myself and feel it. And I don’t go to class. And I don’t fake the lunch. And I listen and feel. I recognize the okayness of the moment even in it’s dampness. That makes me breathe. And I don’t get tighter. I feel and trust in you and I am free. Now I realize that nudge behind me was you all along. Finally I recognize you God, but I have never really liked that name. There seem to be so many conflicting ideas of what you are, too much room for getting it wrong. And that is the funny part, all of those ideas are right, because how you show up for me is mine. And how you show up for him is his. And my filter of love is purple, his is yellow. We are looking, feeling, the same love, but it looks purple from here. Yellow from there. I like yellow too. I can feel yellow. I can at least be open to yellow because what I know is that we are all looking at the same thing, love.
So my story today begins with an awakening, to love and God, on the plane and what could matter more? My story will continue when, in the arms of the others also arriving here today, we lift each other up in healing love. Red, yellow, purple, orange, green, blue…and we all meld together into one amazing, magnetic rainbow, that yes, is magical. No doubt this colorful force has powers, super powers, that some can’t fathom. It is true and real, my purple self has felt it so many times now there is no room left for doubt. And to live in a space without doubt dragging you back, well, that is freedom. Quiet, powerful, colorful, super-powered freedom, that once felt, never dies.
If for a moment you feel weighed down with doubt, meaning you have a brief forgetting, and you go unconscious to love, no worries. That freedom you know will immediately shine through the cracks of your doubt and blast the darkness. You won’t lose your freedom. You never lost it in the first place…you were looking for purple. And maybe it was yellow that day. 
The one thing I knew for sure at the time was that this writing wasn’t only for me. This time, the act of writing felt alien, as if an energy moving through me was doing the writing. Not “scary alien” but “other world embodied alien.” I was channeling. This is not a word or a topic I talk about lightly right now. I never understood it before this, and would listen to my healer friends say the word, as something cringed, uncomfortable inside of me. Channeled? What the hell does that mean anyway? I can tell you now that I have a feeling about what this means. What I felt is a connection to source/essence/god energy/love that allowed a free and clear pathway for a message to come through me, and write itself onto my pages. I got out of the way and something moved through. It was an incredible experience, but what was to follow was nothing short of a miracle to me.
For this trip I had decided to hook up with a roommate, to share costs. I don’t usually do this, as it is kind of like setting up a blind date for yourself, you never know if you will click, and in this case, you will be sharing your sleeping quarters with the person, the one you possibly can’t stand, for five nights. When I put out the request for a roommate on our email chat group months before the course, I instantly had three responses. Something made me hesitate. And then I got a fourth response from a woman I had connected with last year on the same chat group, and we had a tae kwon do connection. Yes, this was the one, I thought, and I was excited about meeting her in person and sharing the week. Ronda and I shared the two hour car ride to Sedona and our souls in the process. I don’t recall ever meeting someone for the first time and in only a few minutes realizing that we had everything, and I do mean everything, in common. I listened to her life stories, the details, the emotions, and felt like I was listening to someone tell the stories of MY life. We laughed, shared ourselves and at some point during the week, cried and hugged, and completely enjoyed the company of each other for five full nights. Just like the free row of seats on the plane, I wondered to myself, how am I so lucky?
On the first day of class I arrived at the ballroom of the hotel and did my usual scan of the seats, purposefully positioned to touch each other, all two hundred and some odd number of them. My habit was to grab an edge seat, in case of the need for an extra bathroom break, but mainly to have at least one side of me not touching someone else. I managed my way into the center back of the room, at least five or more seats on either side of me, I squeezed myself into the middle of the crowd, and wondered, what the heck am I doing? I felt the usual fear creep in…hoping someone would hurry up and sit down next to me so I could feel wanted. The weeks prior had me starved for connection, and something inside felt fragile, but at the same time there was something else I couldn’t place. I wondered if I would make a friend this weekend. I wondered if I would be able to connect with others. I wondered if I would have the courage to heal.
John came into the room and up to the stage and welcomed us all. He began by asking us if we had any questions and one by one people began raising their hands. “Read your journal!” I heard the voice in my head say. “You should read what you wrote on the plane!” “Read the piece from your journal,” it repeated. My heart started to thump and I couldn’t raise my hand. Every time I thought I would, I couldn’t, and pretty soon, the last question was answered and a break time was announced. Crap. So John went over to the table by the door and as people began dispersing for the break, another voice started. “Just go ask him if you can read it.” I stood up from my seat, and sat back down. I stood up again, and sat back down. What are you afraid of, I wondered. So I stood up and started toward John, and then veered left, followed by a 180 with the intention of the bathroom, and then my path was blocked, table on the left and chairs on the right, John in the middle and staring me in the face. “Hi,” he said. “Hi. I was wondering if I could read something from my journal,” I asked. “How long is it?” he replied. “Two or three minutes,” I said. “Sure,” he said. And in that instant, the realization that my voice would be heard, my heart read out loud, sunk in, no getting out of it, and my upper torso began to lurch forward rhythmically to the beat of my heart, and continued to do so for the rest of the break.
As everyone meandered back into the room I sat sick with fear, my heart beating so hard, wondering if anyone could see me shaking. “You can do it differently this time,” the voice said. Yes, I thought, and I breathed a really deep slow breath, teasing my heart down out of my throat with my exhale. I stood up and read The Quantum Leap to my 200 new friends, like I had hired someone to read it for me. The presence on the plane was now moving through me, and I heard the voice projecting into the room with pace, and rhythm, not missing a beat or a breath. At one point overcome with unexpected emotion, I paused, and then continued on again, to the end of the writing on my journal pages, and into the beginning of my miracle.
The connection I had craved in the weeks prior then came flooding in. Over the course of the remainder of that day and the next three days, words of love were expressed to me, all because I had shared my poem. Poem? I thought. They are calling me a poet. So many people, some offering hugs. The love force in that room during the duration of our class was unlike any I have ever felt in a class. That love force has remained, and vibrates in my cells to this day, five weeks later. The moment that began with the courage to speak, has followed me home and is lighting a fire in my soul. Unstoppable.
The number of serendipitous moments that have followed this event since are hard to believe. It has led to connection with a number of like minded souls, the beginning of a collaborative creative endeavor, and the basic feeling of super powers. I have been showered with light and love, and creative flow. I was honored with a request for my writing, and that, and many other poems have made their way out of me, with ease, sometimes coming several a day. The best part of all is that, even though the fear peeks out of the cracks in my mind here and there, it is basically drowned out by a new feeling. Something stronger and brighter, and not to be messed with. A warrior kind of love, the kind that changes things, changes the world.
So that is the story of my moment with God on the plane and how it has led to Warrior Love. I hope you will follow the journey of this project on our facebook page: www.facebook.com/warriorlove and help us by sharing your thoughts, and art, and ideas. The day that I hold the new book in my hands will be a celebration, of courage, of healing, and of connection…and I can’t wait to share it with you.
COMMENTS
Hi Laurie,
Thank you for sharing this piece. I was reminded of the soul connection I felt when hearing you read it at Quantum Leap.. When I trust in Source, I recognize that I “get” what I need. This morning I awoke with some doubt and sadness. The meditation lI read said to let go and Let God. I read it over a couple of times whit my first cup of coffee and invited the massage to allow acceptance. I felt your words healing and melting my vision. Reminded of the eagle awakening I experienced at the end of rebounding, and the clear words, “don’t question it.” Head down, shoulders arch, arm wings opening, I am lifting into flight. I see the sun streaming into the east windows, and begin again… Pay attention to the winged relatives today, the duck, geese, and ravens in front of me. Remembering the beings who appeared in my Sedona hikes: white butterfly, deer, chipmunk, ravens, my grounding mantra has shifted to: I invoke the light of divine peace within. I am a free and pure spirit. Light is my guide.”
I also want to thank you for gifting me with your precious book, Laurie. I am savoring it. I am inspired to connect with others with writing. My massage class called ourselves, kaleidoscope Warriors in Healing, some 15 years ago. That warrior passion has been reawakened.
Peace and grace,
Jude
Jude, you don’t know how much your comment means to me this morning. Thanks. Love you! Laura
Laura, as I read this I could visualize it all as you went through every step, I felt like I was there with you, and could share a little piece of your experiences in my soul too. You are truly an amazing woman. I feel privileged and blessed to know you, and so grateful for your blog and Facebook to allow me to stay in tune with you, even from a small distance, at least it feels small to me. You help me a great deal!
I stand and applaud you for this beautiful writing!
Thank you so much Diane. Love you!
